The Divorce Chronicles: Moving out

“I found it”, he said with that familiar smile on his face I grew so accustom to over the last eight years. His eyes were glistening with happiness and his voice was excitedly talking me through the new flat he had just rented.

We will be officially divorced in six weeks.

I was never one to dream about my wedding day, my future husband or my future life for that matter. At twenty three, I was lucky enough to meet a man who spoke to me in ways no one ever had. I was young and in love. Perhaps foolishly in love, but I was absolutely head over heels for this boy.

Maybe one day I’ll write about where we went wrong. But today is not that day. Today is not a day I can allow myself to dwell on the maybes and what ifs. Today is a day where I simply just have to put one foot in front of the other. Today is dedicated to surviving.

I feel like I have been surviving more than living these days but they do say the stages of grief during a divorce are in line with those of a death. The death of a shared life, of memories, of future plans, of the little idiosyncrasies that only your partner knows.

I don’t know how to talk about him right now. Can I say “he is” while I talk about him or should I say “he was”? What is the right thing? Why do I care about doing the right thing? Isn’t it ironic that I am talking about the right thing when the whole reason behind starting this platform is to not care about expectations and just be the complete true version of myself? Anyway, I want to say “he is” because he isn’t dead. He is still here, next to me, every day, picking up my phone calls at one in the morning when I am hysterically crying on the floor of the bathroom where we brushed our teeth together and he called me “the most beautiful girl in the world” as I had pimple cream on my face. Some say this isn’t how a divorce should be done, we are too dependent, we are unhealthy. Maybe we are, but so what if we are? This is our journey we started together and we are ending together, on our terms.

We have had our fair share of fights, mistakes, distressing words exchanged designed to knock each other down to our naked core. It’s a blessing in disguise knowing someone inside out. The disguise is when you use the weaknesses against each other during arguments. But the blessing, the blessing is when from just one message, he knows I am not doing well and puts everything aside to call me to make sure I have a smile on my face when we say goodbye.

I recently listened to a podcast about transcendence and how we are all put in emotional boxes. Once we exit that box for whatever reason, we are not supposed to do certain things. For example, talk everyday to the person you are getting divorced from. At school we were always taught to go beyond what was assigned, expected, perhaps even deserved. I guess this was a way of preparing us to do more to be able to be more. What did that mean at the time? When we were running around, not a care in the world except for our grades and our social lives.

Growing up is magical and yet it is painful. It is an isolated process in which you must lose yourself over and over again to find yourself over and over again. It makes you question your very existence. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I not like the others? What is wrong with me? I don’t deserve this. Good or bad. But where does transcendence come in?

Society has created boundaries and expectations for us all at different points in our lives. At twenty you graduate and find a job. By thirty, you get married and have a family. By forty, you should have your shit together. What if you don’t want to go by this timeline? You get shunned, judged, ridiculed. You are an outcast not playing by the rules. But perhaps they shun you because they are jealous or scared even. Scared because they could never be as brave. Scared because they can’t put you in a box or “figure” you out. Scared because all they do is cling on to expectations as their comfort zone. But you, you choose to go beyond the assignment of graduating, getting married and buying a home. You choose not to take the exam to pass. Perhaps to some that may be failing or running away. But to you it’s going beyond. It’s pushing yourself to the highest of highs and lowest of lows to be able to find your center. It’s creating bonds with others that cannot be, should not be, put in boxes. Why should we be in boxes when we have the luxury of choice?

Society says, do the homework, pass the exam and graduate. But life has other plans. Life is not that simple. Life is not linear. Life is an obstacle on its own. But a breathtakingly, painstakingly beautiful obstacle. Choose the path not taken, because it does make all the difference. Choose to challenge. Choose to question. Choose to re-evaluate. Choose yourself. Stop being normal. Normal is another word for the cage. Break free. Because the day you do, you will transcend. The human condition deserves more than endings.

This is my last week here in the house I shared with him. Although we only lived here for three of our eight year journey together, it felt most like home with him. I am sitting on the couch with all of our pets around me, watching his mimics on Facetime while he talks to me about design plans for his new flat. A flat that I am not involved in anymore. A flat that is entirely his and I will be a mere guest, just like any other person. Isn’t it weird that within twenty four hours you go from sharing a home to being on your own? From being a wife to a guest?

My insides are in flames. I am in pain. I am petrified. I am alone. I am crumbling. I cry, I laugh, I cry again. Nothing makes sense right now. But how lucky I am that I choose to live my life outside of the box I am expected to live in. How lucky am I that my soon-to-be ex husband chooses to be outside of this box with me. No matter how much we may have hurt each other, we are still here, together, going through this life shattering process hand-in-hand just like we did at the beginning of our relationship.

I guess this is goodbye to not only our home, but our life together in this chapter. Thank you for loving me the way you did and still do despite all of the storm clouds. Thank you for choosing to do a bit of life with me. Thank you for being my home. I love you, always and forever.