The Divorce Chronicles: Healing

Contemplation

Pleasure

Balance

Shelter

Creativity

Protection

Inspiration

Survival

This is what I have been doing over the past eight weeks, or at least thinking I am doing. I am also anxious, sleepless, without an appetite or motivation and frankly delusional at times. Healing from a divorce, or any longterm relationship at 31 is very different to healing from heartbreak at 20. It’s not just your heart that burns, its your very essence, your soul. You are in a constant existential crisis and cling on to anything which gives you a break from feeling.

For now, this seems to be telling the truth and my family. I was and still am unfathomably disappointed in the part I played towards the end of my marriage. I keep saying I will disclose what happened on here one day, and while I do feel that day is getting closer, for now I am not ready just yet. For now, I am at a place where I am able to tell my close family. I am vulnerable and honest and open and as unbiased as I can be to myself, my ex-husband and my relationship. I want to be proud of who I am becoming after the hurricane I caused and for now, I truly am. Proud of my strength, my resilience, my compassion, my honesty.

Ok, as I was writing this I decided that I will disclose what happened because isn’t that also part of my healing? Without going into detail or blaming anyone, I will tell the truth. I cheated on my husband with more than one person.

There, I said it. Loud and clear for all to read. I can’t sit here behind a screen and be proud of myself if I can’t write about it on this platform. I cheated and while yes there are always two sides to a story, this post will not be pointing fingers at anyone except myself. In my eyes, I did the shittiest thing a person can do aside from perhaps killing another. This may come across as very controversial and my aim isn’t to compare, but rather to express how strong my guilt and self-loathing actually is. I had a man who unconditionally called me the most beautiful girl in the world and actually meant it looking deep passed my eyes and into my soul. This man would have moved heaven on earth for me. And he did. He did it all to try and make me happy. Why I did not, could not, would not accept this is something I am working through everyday and I am hitting many moments of enlightenment. But here, the tale as old as time, why couldn’t I have hit these moments while he was still fighting for us? Why does a human understand things when it’s too late?

Oh, the curse of humanity. You never really have until it’s gone, they say. How painfully true. I didn’t know, I had no idea. Or perhaps I did but I wasn’t strong enough to accept this unconditionality. Here one would try to analyse my childhood experience and try to connect it. Another honest, embarrassing truth. I had an extremely happy, loving, stable childhood. My parents are still married and very in love as are my grandparents. I am not a child of a broken, struggling family. I am a child of the most fortunate family I have had the honour of seeing and being a part of. So what happened? I wish I knew the answer to this question. It is something I am searching for everyday. Why do I have the grass is greener syndrome? What triggered it and when did I come to the realisation that it truly isn’t?

What does healing look like for me right now? Taking it hour by hour, creating deeper relationships with my parents, grandparents and choosing my friends rather than letting them dictate the majority of the friendship. I am standing up for myself, my peace, my love, my energy, my aura, my mental health, my strength, my faults, my mistakes, my maturity and immaturity, my delusions and truths, my mind, body, soul and heart.

Perhaps I am trying to cling to one thing to be able let go of the other, but for now, I don’t see the problem in clinging to my mum, dad, brother and grandfather as a method of surviving. I know I will find my equilibrium but as Pink says in her new song “cover me in sunshine”, and that is exactly what these people are doing for me right now. It is a space without judgment, it is soft, bright, loving and unconditional. They remind me every day that the world does keep spinning and it should continue to do so for me no matter what the outcome of this process will be.

For now it is hard to see because of the darkness but I am trying to celebrate the little milestones as well. For example right now, I am sitting on my grandfather’s balcony in the sun, listening to music and writing this. Tomorrow it will be a week since I started on an anti-depressant for the first time in my life and that will be another milestone I will celebrate. I used to judge those who took medication and to be honest I am judging myself. I am angry because I see myself as weak. I am seeing a shaman, a psychiatrist, a reflexologist, meditating daily and working out and yet it is not enough. While it wasn’t my psychiatrist who recommended medication but rather me reaching out, she did say I don’t have to suffer in silence in extreme pain to justify medication, which is exactly what I have been silently doing. So here is to not suffering anymore. Here is to accepting love, serenity, freedom, patience, forgiveness and to breathing easy.